Losing a child through abortion is extremely painful for women AND men.  There are an infinite number of situations and circumstances that may arise, which may result in a couple ultimately choosing to terminate their pregnancy.  Some men are part of that choice, and many others are not given the opportunity to be a part of the decision regarding the welfare of their own child whatsoever.  Either way, the fathers of these children are left to deal with their partner's experience and resulting pain from the abortion, and may push their own pain to the back of their minds or hearts, even questioning inside themselves whether or not they have the right to grieve their lost child.  Women, who are post-abortive, have a difficult time finding an appropriate way of experiencing and coming to terms with their grief, and men battle these same obstacles in similar ways with even more unique layers of grief on top of that.

     The pain of abortion is the same, but perceived very differently by the two sexes.  Women experience a great deal of shame, sorrow, self-loathing and survivor guilt for their decision to allow the procedure to happen to their unborn child through their own bodies.  Their pain ultimately lies in their self-imposed failure to nurture their children.  Men are faced with the guilt of not protecting and fighting for the safety of their unborn child, and may experience their own guilt for "failing" to meet those core responsibilities.  Both partners are hurting for the same reason, but with two different perspectives and roles.

     This disconnect, between the two partners, is why it is crucial for the couple to communicate about their thoughts and feelings, if they are to both work toward healing their hearts and minds following this torturous compromise.  Initially, most are not aware, because of the power of denial, that they even need to discuss it or work on it.  It often takes months or years of pushing this issue away and denying it even exists in the dark recesses of our minds, before we see the destructive patterns emerge in our lives that point to the fact that something is infinitely wrong and needs to be addressed, if we are ever going to find any peace in our lives.  The reality is that most relationships do not survive going through an abortion, as the stress it causes couples is many times overwhelming.

     Oaks Studio understands the precarious types of thoughts and emotions that are predominant in the male experience of abortion, and we acknowledge the sorrow that men feel in relation to their lost children, regardless of the circumstances in which they are involved.  You will be met with the same respect and positive regard here that your partner will be.  Silence and denial will not make this problem go away, it's not something you can just give a little more time to, and expect to forget about it.  Until you face, head on, your painful thoughts and emotions regarding the loss of your child, you will continue to experience discomfort in your personal life and in your relationships with others.

     I would strongly encourage you to share your thoughts and feelings with a trusted and close friend, you will need a supportive person to help you sort through the anger and rage that is often experienced, especially if you weren't able to fight for your desired outcome concerning your child.  Take a first step, read a book on this subject, attend a retreat, start therapy, go online and look at the resources available----just do something.  Anything would be better than just sitting still feeling the same things day after day and feeling powerless to stop it.

   If you want to make an appointment to work on your own grief issues, Oaks Studio is here for you too, call 828.403.6477 to start therapy today.

                                          What can we do now?

      Some of you visiting here are fathers who were part of the abortion decision, many of you were not part of that decision at all, still many of you didn't even know there was a choice being made.  And some of you came along and fell in love with a woman who had already had an abortion from a former relationship.  All of you share the common denominator of feeling helplessness and not knowing what to do now.

     You may want to help, but are not quite sure how to do that.  Those thoughts and feelings can leave you very frustrated and easily agitated. You are not alone, as millions of dads are feeling the same way you are right now. 

     You may be surprised to learn that the very most powerful way that you can be there for your wife or girlfriend who is hurting following an abortion choice is just the art of being there with her, just standing beside and with her, just holding her hand, so to speak, as she travels the very scary and intimidating journey toward forgiving herself and healing from her experiences.  There is indescribable comfort in knowing you have someone who loves you deeply enough to emotionally and physically share your burden of grief with you. 

     You are going to have to learn to be there with her, without trying to direct and pressure and guide.  Let her guide you by telling you what she needs.  If you're not hearing her say, "I need A-B & C," then ask her what she needs you to do.  If she says, "I don't know," then reassure her you are there to do whatever she needs you to do, and ask her to tell you if she thinks of something that might help.  Then drop it.  If she's crying, hold her.  If she doesn't want to be held, try holding her hand.  If she doesn't want to be touched, just sit beside her.  DO NOT try to force her to let you do anything.  You will be fighting your own instincts to take over the situation, because you feel frustrated with the helplessness you are feeling.  Remember that you becoming forceful and impatient with her will only make her feel worse, and will not accomplish what you are trying to do.  Don't leave and don't punish her in any way for hurting for so long.  When she figures out that you mean what you say, and you're really not going anywhere, you will grow 10 feet tall in her eyes!   

     Here are a few simple steps that you can implement right now to help your love to find her healing:

• C-onstant reassurance of your love and respect
• A-bsolute attention as she shares her sorrow
• R-espect her pain, and how much it means to her
• E-ncourage her healing work

• F-orget society's norms and be extremely sensitive
• O-ffer her your non-judgment/unconditional love
• R-emember to validate her feelings

• H-old her and just let her cry-don't tell her not to cry
• E-verlasting love is what she needs
• R-eassure her of your love and respect for her

     As "fixers," guys, by nature, want to make the woman you love feel better; and you probably, when it comes to abortion, have already have felt the sting of helplessness. It may seem at times that there is absolutely nothing you can do, which may leave you feeling very uncomfortable and worried. Let me assure you, what you do makes all the difference in the world! In fact, you have the greatest amount of influence in her healing than any other single human being in her life! This is one of those times that what you don't do may be more important than what you do do. Follow the list above and remember to give your loved one all the time that they need, grieving a lost child is a long and slow process. Reassure her you are in it for the long haul, and that as long as she is hurting, you will be there hurting with her. She's in a lonely place, and quite possibly the very most important thing that you will do is to help her feel less alone in her fight.

 WHAT IF I DIDN'T WANT HER TO DO IT?

     If you didn't support your partner in having an abortion, and she did it anyway, you have a unique sort of grief to work through.  It's one thing to grieve a child with your partner, and it's another to grieve your child alone; all the while knowing that you did not agree to the abortion in the first place.

     You not only have the normal feelings of grief and sorrow from losing your unborn child to abortion, you also have the intense feelings of anger and resentment toward your partner, who is partially responsible for causing this loss in your life.

     You will struggle with feelings of helplessness, which is one of the hardest feelings for men to manage, because of the choice obviously being out of your hands.  You may feel guilty for not stopping the abortion from occuring.  You could have feelings of guilt for not protecting your child, as is a normal response to abortion in any situation.  You may face feelings of inadequacy and wonder why your partner does not want to have your child.

     Your grief here is unique because it is two fold: you grieve for your lost child, and you have to face feelings of loss of trust with your partner as well.  If you adamantly stated you did not want your partner to have an abortion, and she had one anyway, you will most assuredly struggle with intense feelings of anger and resentment toward your partner, and will feel a strong sense of distrust of your partner following the termination of the pregnancy.  You may eventually, if you do not seek help in managing and coping with your grief, get to the point of even hating your partner.  Unbridled resentment is like a tsunami in a relationship, it can have absolutely devasting effects.

     It is so important that you seek the help that you need in processing your thoughts and feelings regarding your loss, if you ever intend to have a healthy and happy relationship with your partner again, or anyone else in your life, for that matter.  Below are awesome resources for men in coping and dealing with abortion.  Don't wait, take action, start today, do something about your grief.

Resources and books for hurting Fathers to check out:

Rachel's Vineyard Retreats 

Great site for Men

Great Resource for Men

 

Men & Abortion:  A Path to Healing, by C.T. Coyle, Ph..D

Redeeming a Father's Heart, by Kevin Burke, MSW/LSW

Fatherhood Aborted, by Guy Condon and David Hazard

SaveOne, A Men's Study, by Shiela Harper

Healing a Father's Heart, by Linda Cochrane and Kathy Jones 

Common Tags

 e-therapy, etherapy, e therapy, internet therapy, online therapy, online counseling, psychologist, therapist, etherapist, counselor, online counselor, online therapist, therapy, psychotherapy, psychological, mental health, psychiatrist, psychology, psychiatry, life coach, coaching, cybercounseling, telehealth, telephone counseling, telephone therapy, email therapy, email counseling, video therapy, video counseling, marriage and family therapist, grief counseling, post abortion healing, post abortion recovery, pregnancy termination, loss of pregnancy due to abortion, men and abortion, loss of child due to termination of pregnancy, couples' counseling for abortion loss, fatherhood losses, depression from abortion.